Forms of Judaism
There are many forms of Judaism:
- Cardiac Judaism -- in my heart I am a Jew.
- Gastronomic Judaism -- we eat Jewish foods.
- Pocketbook Judaism -- I give to Jewish causes.
- Drop-off Judaism -- drop the kids off at Sunday
- Hebrew school and go out to breakfast.
- Two-Times a Year Judaism -- we attend service Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.
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Change the Lightbulb
Q. How many Hassidic Rebbes does it take to change a light bulb?
A. What is a light bulb?
Q. How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
Q. How many Conservative Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Call a committee meeting.
Q. How many Reform Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, anyone can change it whenever they want.
Q. How many Jewish Renewal Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One if its an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit from electricity using nuclear power. Two as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called "The Jew in the Light bulb ." Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.
Q. How many Shlomo Hassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Gevalt, its mammash such a great opportunity to do t'shuvah. So it takes everyone there to get real close, sing a niggun, listen to an ishbitzer teaching, tell a Levi Yitchak story, and change the bulb at 2 in the morning.
Q. How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 30. One to change the bulb and 29 to discuss it and give contradictory advice to the person changing the bulb.
Q. How many Lubavitchers does it to change a light bulb?
A. None, it never died.
Q. How many Breslover Hassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. There will never be one that will burn as brightly as the first one.
Q. How many congregants does it take to change a light bulb?
A. CHANGE! You vant to we should CHANGE the light bulb? My grandmother donated that light bulb!!!
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Newest Jewish Words
JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.
TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from
the Torah at one's Bar mitzvah.
SANTASHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hannukah while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas.
MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
BUBBEGUM n. Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children. (play on Bubbe).
CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper. (play on chutzpah)
DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when. (play on nu?)
DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes. (play on yenta)
GOYFER n. A Gentile messenger. (play on Goy and gopher)
HEBORT v. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar Mitzvah.
JEWDO n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.
MEINSTEIN slang. "My son, the genius."
MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all of one's aunts and cousins at a reception. (play on mishpochah)
RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo as you do. (play on shtetl)
ROSH HASHANANA n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.
YIDENTIFY vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor. (play on Yid)
MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.
FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food. (from falafel)
IMPASTA n. A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.
KINDERSCHLEP v. To transport other kids in your car besides yours. (schlep)
TREYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetizer one finds out has pork in it after one has eaten it. (play on treyf)
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The Parking Space
Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting and he's looking for a parking place, and can't find one.
In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says: "G-d, if you find me a parking place, I
promise that I'll eat only Kosher, respect Shabbas, and all the holidays..."
Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up to heaven and says "Don't bother G-d, I've just found one...."
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Vat a Coincidence!
Two Yidden were sitting next to each other in a New York bar.
After a while, one Jew looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Yisroel."
The other Jew responds proudly, "I am!"
The first Jew says, "So am I! And from where might you be?"
The second Jew answers, "I'm from Yerusalem."
The first Jew responds, "So am I! And what are did you live?"
The second Jew says, "A lovely little area two miles east of King David's Hotel, not to far old city..."
The first Jew says, "Unbelievable! What school did you attend?"
The second Jew answers, "Well, I attended Yeshiva University."
The first Jew gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The second Jew answers, "I graduated in 1984."
The Jews exclaims, "Amazing! This is Berschert. Hashem wanted us to meet! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Yeshiva University in 1984 also."
About this time, another Jew enters the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Goldberg twins are drunk again."
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The Temp Rabbi
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.
The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.
A few minutes later a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asks "What did you do?"
The woman says "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest:"How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."
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Pekuah Nefesh Gone Wrong
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"And why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for," I answered.
"Well... are you religious?" He said yes.
I said, "Me too!
Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
"Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ?
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Wow! Me too!
Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God!"
Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist
Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God!"
Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or
Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.
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The Troubled Boys
In a certain Orthodox neighborhood, there were two brothers, Yaakov, 8 and Yisroel 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them.
Hearing about a rabbi nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the rabbi to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure!"
The mother went to the rabbi and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the rabbi while the father kept Yisroel at home.
The rabbi sat the Yaakov down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other.
Finally, the rabbi pointed his forefinger at Yaakov and asked, "Where is Hashem?"
Yaakov said nothing.
Again, in a louder tone, the rabbi pointed at Yaakov and asked, "Where is Hashem?"
Again Yaakov said nothing.
A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the rabbi leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost in Yaakov's nose, and asked, "Where is Hashem?"
Yaakov panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble!"
Yiosroel asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?"
Yaakov replied, "Hashem is missing... and they think we did it."
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Bar Mitzvah: (n); Son of the commandments. When a boy becomes a full member of the community at age 13.
Beshert: (n); Fate; what's meant to be; also spelled Bashert. One's bashert is one's soul mate; a predestined choice of a spouse from "forty days before the formation of the embryo."
Bubbe: (n); Grandmother.
Chutzpah: (n); unmitigated nerve; gall; daring
Falafel: (n); A Middle Eastern specialty made up of small, deep-fried croquettes or balls made of highly spiced, ground chickpeas (garbanzos). They are generally served inside pita bread, sandwich style, but can also be served as appetizers. A yogurt or tahini-based sauce is often served with falafel.
Gevalt: (excl) Heaven forbid! O help!
Goy: (n); Non-Jew
Halachah: (n); Jewish law, esp. of the rabbis
Hannukah: (n); Eight-day festival starting on the twenty-fifth day of the Jewish month of Kislev commemorating the rededication of the Temple at Jerusalem that followed the Maccabees' victory over the Syrians in 165 BC; also called the "Festival of Lights."
Hashem: (n); Euphonism for the Sacred Name of G-d.
Hassidim: (n); (also Chassid). A member of a Jewish sect that observes a form of strict Orthodox Judaism; a person who practices Hassidic Judaism (from the Hebrew word Chasidut, that means "pious" (and from from the Hebrew root chesed meaning "loving kindness"). Hassidism originated in Eastern Europe (Belarus and Ukraine) in the 18th century.
Ishbitzer: Hassidic commentator on the Torah.
Kosher: (adj); Prepared in accordance with Jewish dietary laws.
Lubavitcher: (n); Follower of the Lubavitch branch (named for a Belorussian town meaning "town of brotherly love") of the Hasidic movement. a follower of Chabad Hasidism.
Mammash: (Y) Really
Matzo: (n); Matzah; Unleavened bread used at Passover.
Minyan: (n); Group of ten Jewish men, the minimum required for holding prayer service or reading from the Torah; the Reform and Conservative movements include women as well.
Mishpochah: (n); Family.
Niggun: (n); A melody without words. Or perhaps more accurately, a melody sung using "yai-dai-dai," "bim-bom," or some other equally universal sounds, rather than words. Used particularly in more mystically inclined Hasidic traditions for prayer, celebration, or sometimes even just a warm-up to other songs, the niggun was traditionally seen as a melody on which the soul could be lifted to higher dimensions of spiritual experience.
Nu? (excl); "Well?" "So?" So tell me already!! "Nu" is a word used to express expectation. At the doctor's office, for example, you can say, "Nu, so how does my heart sound?" At a restaurant, you can say, "Nu, when is our food coming already?" At a friend's coffee table you ask, "Nu, nu, so what's the news with the family?" In essence, "nu?" is an invitation to gossip.
Passover: (n); A Jewish festival of freedom remembering when the Jews were led out of Egypt and out of slavery by Moses. Chag Hamotzi is usually considered part of Passover, where only unleavened bread may be eaten for 8 days.
Pekuah Nefesh: (n); Saving a life.
Rebbe: (n); The spiritual leader of a group of Hasidim, not necessarily the rabbi of a community. It was quite common for Jews to travel distances great and small to visit their rebbe.
Rosh Hashanah: (n); The Jewish New Year (rabbinic tradition).
Schlep: (v); to drag; to accept a burden greater than anyone should be expected to bear; shlepper: n.
Shabbas: (n) The Jewish Sabbath.
Shtetl: (n); A small Jewish town or village in Eastern Europe.
Teshuvah: (n); Repentance (literally means Returning in Hebrew), the way of atoning for sin in rabbincal Judaism.
Torah: (n); The writings of Moses, or the entire body of Jewish religious literature, law and teaching as contained chiefly in the Old Testament and Talmud.
Treyf: (adj); Not kosher; especially food not prepared according to Jewish dietary laws.
Yenta: (n); A gossipy woman; a blabbermouth. Someone who can't keep a secret.
Yeshiva: (n); (pl. yeshivot). A Jewish rabbinic academy of higher learning. See also beit midrash.
Yid: (n); Jew
Yidden: (adj/n); Jewish (person)
Yisroel: (n) Israelite; Jewish person
Yom Kippur: (n); (literally, "Day of Atonement") is the holiest day of the year, a day of fasting and prayers of repentance. A day devoted to confession of sins and reconciliation with God, ten days after Rosh Hashanah.
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"Anyone meshugge enough to call himself a Jew, IS a Jew."
Disclaimer / Note: All the jokes listed here are understood to be in the "public domain," unless otherwise noted.... If are the original copyright holder of a joke listed here, please contact me and I will either remove it or provide a link back to your original.