Some Jewish Talk Suggestions
Just as the Eskimos have 27 words for snow, Jews have 31 words for neurotic.
It is very difficult to know when to call someone mashugana, ts'mished, furdrehet, hot nisht ein kaup, or vaist nisht vus vus ehr reht... Here are a few words to get you started.
"Sch--", as a prefix to anything, suggests disapproval: "Cadillac schmadillac, you're suddenly too good for the Lincoln?"
Learning to pronounce "sch" properly is the first step in speaking Hebonics like a real Jew. Nothing makes us giggle harder than the sound of Gentiles say, "It's not raining, just spritzing." It's the same "ssshhh" sound as the prompt to be quiet.
Schmuck--Most commonly used as "jerk", but can also be used as a "sucker," as in , "Why am I always the schmuck who gets left with the check?"
Schmata--Rag (ugly dress), as in, "Why does she wear those schmatas, that Esther?"
Schmaltz--Literally means chicken fat, but when used in conversation it's sappy or corny. "The movie was OK, but why such a schmaltzy ending?"
Just because Jews are asking questions, doesn't mean they're going to wait around for an answer. If you've got something to say, speak up. Jump right in there with a hearty, "What, are you crazed? That's not the way to fix a leaky faucet!" (You will never use this phrase, however, since Jews do not do home or car repairs.)
Interrupt often. It shows that you are interested in the conversation. If you're talking and Jews don't interrupt, they're very bored.
You're on the freeway, when a sports car speeds past you, weaves between cars and drives recklessly. Your Jewish passenger asks, "Who gave that maniac a driver's license?"
Wrong answer: "In the 1950s, the United States made an economic decision to encourage automobile ownership over public transportation to support the automotive industry which created jobs and stimulated the economy. Ever since, most anyone can get a driver's license."
Correct answer: "Those government schmucks."
Non-Jews can also profit from learning these nuances. When shopping in the garment district, a Jewish shop owner may seem insulted at your low ball offer on merchandise. He may shout, "What, I'm the schmuck schmuck who shouldn't feed his own children?" The untrained Gentile simply cannot translate this phrase to its true meaning, "Let the negotiations begin."
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Walking by Faith
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are out fishing in the middle of a lake. The priest tells his two colleagues, "I forgot my fishing pole in the car; I'll be right back." He gets out of the boat, walks across the water to the beach, goes to the car, walks back across the lake, and gets into the boat. The rabbi stares in amazement.
A half hour later, the minister says, "I need to use the bathroom." He, too, gets out of the boat, walks across the water, finds the nearest men's room, and walks back across the water and gets into the boat. The rabbi is absolutely dumbfounded!
The rabbi keeps thinking, "My faith is as great as theirs!" So he speaks up and says, "I need to get something to drink; there's a refreshment stand up on the beach." He stands up, puts his feet on the water, and SPLASH goes straight down under the water. The priest and minister help him back into the boat. He is embarrassed, not to mention wet, but he knows he can do it if the other two can. So, he stands up again, steps out onto the water, and again, SPLASH!! Again, he is dragged out, and again he decides to try. As he is going down for the third time, the priest turns to the minister and asks, "Do you think we should show him where the rocks are?"
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Abe goes to see his Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong, Abe?"
Abe replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi was very surprised by this and asks, "How can that be?"
Abe then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls Abe and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
Abe anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
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Walking through Chicago's Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Moishe Cohen's Chinese Laundry."
"Moishe Cohen?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Moishe Cohen 's Chinese Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Moishe Cohen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Centre. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?'
He say, 'Moishe Cohen.'
Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'
I say, 'Sem Ting.'"
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The Bad Parrot
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a swear word. Those that weren't were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft Israeli dance music, anything that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, but the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will go to synagogue with you every week to pray and I will try to modify my behaviour."
David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
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The Messiah calls the Pope
The Pope was in the middle of an audience when his principal advisor whispered in his ear: "Your Holiness, I hate to interrupt, but the Messiah is on the phone and he wants to talk to you."
The Pope excused himself so he could take the call in private. A few minutes later he came back out with a somber expression.
He said, "I have some good news and some bad news.
The good news is that the call was from the Messiah, the Lord Jesus, our Saviour, and the time of the second coming is at hand. The bad news is that he was calling from Jerusalem."
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Preaching to Bears
A priest, a rabbi and a Pentecostal preacher all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk "shop."
One day someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. Well, one thing led to another and before it was over they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it!
It's now 7 days later and they're all together to discuss the experience...
Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages goes first. "Wellll," he says in a fine Irish brogue, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Chatecism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gintle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."
Reverend Billy Bob speaks next. He's in a wheel chair, with an arm and both legs in casts and an I.V. drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaims, "WELL brothers....you KNOW that we don't sprinkle........WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another untill we come to a crick. So'se I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."
They both look down at the rabbi who's laying in a hospital bed. He's in a body cast & traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. The rabbi looks up and says "Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures."
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Every year, just before Easter, the Chief Rabbi in Rome goes to the Vatican and presents an ancient, and by now quite tattered envelope to the Pope. The Pope inspects the envelope, shakes his head, and hands it back to the Chief Rabbi, who then departs.
This has been going on for nearly two thousand years. One year recently, it happened that there was a new Pope and a new Chief Rabbi. When the Chief Rabbi presented the ancient envelope to the Pope, as he had been instructed to do by his predecessor, the Pope looked it over and handed it back as he had been told to, in turn, by his predecessor . . . but then the Pope said, "This is an unusual ritual. I don't understand it. What is in this envelope?"
"I should know?" answered the Chief Rabbi. "I'm new here myself. But, hey, let's open it and find out."
"Good idea," said the Pope. So together, they slowly and carefully opened the envelope. And do you know what they found?
The caterer's bill for the Last Supper!
Rabbi: (n); Leader of a Jewish congregation, similar to the role of a priest or minister.
Shul: (n/Yiddish); Also spelled Schul. Synagogue; the place of worship for a Jewish congregation.
Yiddish: (n); A language based on medieval Rhineland German used by Jews in eastern, northern, and central Europe and in areas to which Jews from these regions migrated. It also contains elements of Hebrew, Russian, and Polish, and it is commonly written in Hebrew characters.
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"Anyone meshugge enough to call himself a Jew, IS a Jew."
Disclaimer / Note: All the jokes listed here are understood to be in the "public domain," unless otherwise noted.... If are the original copyright holder of a joke listed here, please contact me and I will either remove it or provide a link back to your original.